Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our ways of connecting with others throughout life. One of the most common yet challenging attachment styles is anxious attachment—a pattern of relating to others characterized by fear of abandonment, emotional dependence, and a heightened sensitivity to relationship dynamics. Attachment styles can affect all relationships.
A well-known example of a character with an anxious attachment style is Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades of Grey. She often seeks constant reassurance from Christian, worries about his level of interest, and struggles with self-worth in the relationship. She experiences emotional highs when he is attentive and deep distress when he pulls away.
Another classic example is Bella Swan from Twilight. Bella’s intense emotional dependence on Edward, her deep fear of abandonment, and her struggle with self-identity outside of the relationship are all indicative of anxious attachment. Her extreme reaction to Edward leaving in New Moon—falling into depression and engaging in reckless behavior to “feel” connected to him—further highlights this attachment pattern.
Signs of Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often experience:
- Fear of abandonment: A deep worry that their partner will leave them, leading to clingy or overly accommodating behaviors.
- Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for signs of withdrawal, rejection, or disinterest from others.
- Difficulty trusting: A tendency to doubt their partner’s feelings or reassurances, leading to frequent seeking of validation.
- Overanalyzing interactions: Reading into small changes in tone, texting habits,(emojis!😬), or facial expressions as potential signs of rejection.
- Emotional highs and lows: Feeling euphoric when receiving attention but devastated when there’s perceived distance.
- Self-worth tied to relationships: Believing they are only lovable or valuable when in a relationship or when receiving external validation.
Causes of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment develops primarily in early childhood and is often rooted in inconsistent caregiving. Some common contributing factors include:
- Unpredictable parental availability: Caregivers who are sometimes responsive but other times neglectful can lead to uncertainty about whether love and support are stable.
- Emotional neglect or enmeshment: When parents dismiss a child’s emotional needs or, conversely, rely on them for their own emotional regulation, children may grow up feeling responsible for keeping relationships intact.
- Early experiences of abandonment or rejection: This can include physical abandonment, emotional unavailability, or even a caregiver’s preoccupation with their own distress, leaving the child feeling unseen. When this happens, the child feels it is their job to work for attention and care.
- Trauma or loss: Early losses, such as divorce, death, or separations, can heighten fears of abandonment and instability in future relationships.
Impact on Relationships
Anxious attachment can create challenges in both romantic and platonic relationships, often manifesting as:
- Emotional intensity: Relationships may feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with extreme highs when feeling loved and deep lows when fearing rejection.
- Codependency: A tendency to sacrifice personal needs to maintain closeness, sometimes at the expense of one’s well-being.
- Conflict escalation: A fear of being abandoned can lead to arguments, accusations, or excessive reassurance-seeking from a partner.
- Attraction to avoidant partners: Those with anxious attachment often gravitate toward partners with avoidant attachment styles, creating a push-pull dynamic that reinforces insecurity. This dynamic is familiar to them because of their parental relationships.
- Struggles with boundaries: Difficulty asserting needs and boundaries for fear of being rejected or abandoned. There is an innate fear of being authentic and risking rejection or abandonment.
Healing Anxious Attachment
While anxious attachment can feel overwhelming, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style through intentional work. Some strategies I use with my clients include:
- Self-awareness: Looking at past family dynamics and patterns in current relationships that contribute to the current fear of rejection and abandonment.
- DBT: Using DBT skills to help clients get better at asking for what they want and need from others, validate and regulate emotions, crisis survival skills, and grounding exercises to help people get back to now and into a clearer head space.
- Mindfulness and self-soothing: Learning to self-regulate emotions rather than relying solely on others for reassurance can build inner security.
- Developing a secure base within: Clients get to know who they are, what they really want, and how to connect with healthy, whole individuals.
Final Thoughts
Anxious attachment does not have to define your relationships forever. By recognizing its patterns, addressing the underlying wounds, and developing healthier relational habits, you can cultivate deeper, more secure connections. Growth takes time, but with awareness and effort, it is possible to experience relationships built on trust, stability, and true intimacy. I have seen people move from Anxious to Secure Attachment styles after doing the work. It’s possible!
